Enlightenment through Confusion

Swedish sexiness o_o

Wed, 27 Aug 2008 18:41:41 GMT

Warning, its a sex post and I don't want to use a cut :P

On Monday the 25th I picked up Drik from the airport. Drik fucking amazing. Just... omgoodness. He makes me feel so confused. He buts me in a headspace where I feel Dominant, submissive, masculine and feminine all at the same time. We have been spending time together constantly. We have also been having a lot of sex. Both of us are steadily getting more and more bite marks on our bodies. It is so fantasticly amazing. I'll be topping him, and suddenly we will switch rolls. We keep going back and forth and it is amazing. My mind is just so swept up by everything that has been going on I am having a hard time thinking. I feel somewhere between drunk and stoned from all of the emotional, mental, and physical stimulis.

DIY = love 2.0

Mon, 25 Aug 2008 08:59:10 GMT

My creation is complete! I have been getting some practice swings in on my home made flogger. I was able to construct it using Nylon rope, a piece of copper tubbing (used for a water heater), a bolt, what was once a braided leather belt, scissors, a knife, and a lighter. The end result is a very spiffy new toy. I will post pictures once I have them.

Owwwww

Thu, 21 Aug 2008 11:10:25 GMT

Reading through the just out blog I came across this little jewel

It is short and sweet, but I wanted to copy and past the part that made my brain cry out in pain.

Edward Dolnick’s The Forger’s Spell tells how a midling artist named Han van Meegeren duped Goering, the Fuhrer’s right-hand man, into spending an exorbitant sum on a fake Vermeer.

Goering was Hitler’s designated successor, much the way Cheney is Bush’s designated successor. What caught my eye was the following footnote on page 81:

[Psychologist GM Gilbert interviewing Goering at Nuremberg] remarked that in a democracy the people have a say in the decision to go to war.

“Oh that is all well and good,” Goering replied, “but, voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same way in any country.”

*forehead slap* That is the third comparison I have heard this week between what this country does and what Nazi Germany did. Moving to Canada, Britain, or Sweden is sounding more tempting all the time.

Pictures worth a 1000 dreams

Mon, 18 Aug 2008 06:53:00 GMT

It has been a while since I've done a Transition related post. This one will include pictures from Pre-Trans awareness to current.

I beat myself up a lot for how I look. It is a negative habit I have had for years. Part of it is because of my weight, and part of it is seeing the wrong face in the mirror. I have a hard time accepting myself. Even now when I look in the mirror I see someone else. The person looking back doesn't look like me. Doesn't look how I feel inside. I need to work on my expectations, but that’s for another post. For now let’s get this show on the road.

This is me in 2003. This was a picture I took for my then girlfriend Tiffany. I used the beard as a smokescreen. I tried embracing the hollow image of this big hairy guy so I didn't have to question why it felt wrong. This is the face I painted for senior year Advanced Art. I don’t plan on getting rid of it. The painting is my Dorian Gray but in reverse. It stays as this ever "Masculine" image while I grow into something far from it.

This is the first picture of me as Amber even though I had not chosen the name yet. I was so afraid back then. I was just starting to understand who I was in that phase of my life. I remember the first time I put on that outfit and how happy it made me feel. My first bra came from a Ross. I went in at near closing, found a bra that seemed liked it would be big enough, then found a empty corner of the store to try it on in so not to face the dressing room. I still have that Bra. The Shirt and Skirt were purchased at goodwill. I remember when I first put those cloths on, these symbols of this hidden part of my soul. I just stared for several moments, and then danced. Yes I danced in the dressing room. I felt so happy.

This is one of the first times in my life I felt pretty. This picture was taken by Weaver when things were still happy in that house. I felt so awkward and ugly when the picture was being taken, but she assured me I looked wonderful. When seeing the picture I was shocked at how I appeared. I looked nice. I didn't look like a weirdo or a freak. I saw this pretty girl who I had wanted to be for so long. Now looking back at this picture next to my current ones, it makes me cry as I see how far I have come. This picture was taken pre-hormones.

This picture was taken when I was first starting to go full time. I had been on hormones for several months and after a rough several days in Reno having to be a guy almost 24 hours a day I realized I just couldn't handle it any more. I made the move to go to work as who I really was. This is a happy time in my life. For years I had been living a double life as Sean in business and Amber in Private. This filled me with so much frustration. There are a lot of nifty people I never got close to because I didn't want people who knew me as Sean to find out about Amber. I am glad I could finally move past that.

These three pictures are from several weeks ago. I posted three because I wanted to show different face angles. The third one is special because it is a face shot where I am leaning back against something. I hate my chin. I hate the fat on my neck very very much. It has been one of the things I beat up on myself a lot about. I am not extremely happy with that picture but I am happy enough I don't feel ashamed of how I look in this picture. I like how I look, and even adore how I look in some of the pictures from that photo shoot. My face has changed a lot; my body has changed a lot. It is just... mind blowing how much I have changed over the years. I no longer recognize myself in those older pictures. I know mentally they are "me" but who I am now is so different it is hard to imagine I really was that person.

This one I put up just because I look lovely in it :) I wouldn't use the word beautiful as I am leery of using that word, but I can see myself in this picture and consider myself lovely. When adding pictures to my myspace, I saw this picture and the one of me in red next to each other. I started crying. I looked so different. I have come so far. It makes me so happy. I feel like I am reaching a point where I can actually like myself.

interestig link, NSFW

Mon, 18 Aug 2008 06:03:38 GMT

Found thanks to shemale

Something Happy

Sun, 17 Aug 2008 08:01:45 GMT

I revamped my LJ Today. new theme, new profile info, and other odd customizations. It makes me feel yay. I will probably post something else later. For now, PEACE AND CAKE!

late night (early morning) ramblings

Fri, 15 Aug 2008 13:01:11 GMT

I have tons of desire, a dash of hope, and no expectations.

Drinking Mercury, to the mystery!

Tue, 12 Aug 2008 10:21:40 GMT

Mwahahaha return of the drunken posting! It is so not my fault. Chris (roommates BF) asked me to go hang out with him as he needed to go out and do something, and Inga wasn't feeling up to going out. Being the nice room mate I am I head out with Chris for random wandering for a bar. First we head to the Hawthorne district where I get a Pink Floyd at the Baghdad. From there we find out where there is a Karaoke place nearby. That’s right, Karaoke. We want to this place on 28th and Burnside. It was lots of fun. Chris sand "Blue Monday" by Orgy and I sang "Ava Adore" by the smashing pumpkins. I rocked and wasn't nearly as nervous as the first time I did karaoke. It was a lot of fun and I bonded with Chris. He is a nifty guy. It is nice hanging with someone I know nothing will happen with. He is too straight, very comfortable in his gender, and too vanilla for me to find him in any way attractive. I lust after enough of my friends who are in relationships, I don't need to be lusting after my room mates boyfriend (and yes, if you are a friend and is either; not %100 straight, trans or gender queer, and/or into some form of BDSM I probably find you attractive and would love to have some form of sex with you. It is just how I am.)

Oh also I have been re-reading the Amber series. I love these books much more now then when I first read them, but that is party due to my major beliefs and ponderings on the nature of the universe and infinite possibilities. I need to do a post on how I see the universe, the way humans perceive multiple realities at once, and how we move through dimensions without conscious awareness.

Honesty

Sat, 09 Aug 2008 21:46:03 GMT

I feel fake.

I feel wrong.

I feel like a puppet that only comes to life for the audience. I have often called myself a broken doll. I have been using that imagery for years, and even though I have found myself changing and evolving I still feel those words to be true. That is one thing I have learned to be; honest. Any time an untruth comes to mind a part of me calls it to my attention. This has lead to some strange moments where aspects of myself I had known for years were just well constructed lies. I have been afraid of these moments of clarity, as they bring lots of questions. Questions are something I am good at. It’s hard to always question yourself.

Transitioning has had one big negative impact on my life. I don’t trust myself. I don’t trust most of my feelings. I second guess myself a lot. I question why I want to do things, why I want to say things. It feeds back into the same kind of thoughts that I am selfish. I crave attention but I am deathly afraid of asking for attention because of what it says about me. People make me feel alive. People make me feel real and that is… not good. What kind of damage does that reflect?

I do not even feel real in my reflection. I talk to myself in the mirror a lot. I don’t see me when I look in the mirror; I see who I am trying to be. I see the part of myself I embellish and turn into a mask. Under the mask is just a scared little girl. That’s what I see when I look inside. I run from it, I run from those feelings. As long as I keep running I can feel safe, but it’s a lie. I hate lying. I hate myself for not being strong enough to face myself. I can’t be real without doing it.

I feel like a coward.

Snuggles, Chatting, Pizza and Lavender

Fri, 08 Aug 2008 10:41:59 GMT

Having depression induced insomnia should not happen when you have had a wonderful day. I spent the wee hours of the morning with the ever lovely Josh before he had to flee from cat allergy induced breathing problems. I slept for a couple hours then went to hang out with Zeo, which was fantastic as always. We watched “Brain Candy” which was very funny, and a movie I want to see again. After that I went downtown and hung with amberite for several hours. It was loads of fun. There was much talking, weird questions on my part, and swapping of stories. The spiffy is strong with them, and I look forward to hanging out again. It was an amazingly good day, so why am I so bummed out this evening? Just talking about it makes me feel emo-tastic, but this is my weird way of trying to work the depression out of my system.

DIY = love

Wed, 06 Aug 2008 04:20:03 GMT

So I have been gifted with braided leather belts from some friends. They were giving them away because the belts had started becoming undone. The leather isn't a bad quality, and the ends reminded me of a flogger. I have been inspired and am currently working on turning the belts into floggers. I have most of the design worked out and right now I am looking for some alternate methods on producing a spiffy handle. If things work out I will end up with a medium and a hard leather flogger made from completely recycles materials. Wish me luck.

Stolen from Truthintears

Sat, 02 Aug 2008 22:14:53 GMT

I Am A: Chaotic Good Human Bard (4th Level)

Ability Scores:

Strength-13

Dexterity-16

Constitution-15

Intelligence-17

Wisdom-15

Charisma-14

Alignment:
Chaotic Good A chaotic good character acts as his conscience directs him with little regard for what others expect of him. He makes his own way, but he's kind and benevolent. He believes in goodness and right but has little use for laws and regulations. He hates it when people try to intimidate others and tell them what to do. He follows his own moral compass, which, although good, may not agree with that of society. Chaotic good is the best alignment you can be because it combines a good heart with a free spirit. However, chaotic good can be a dangerous alignment because it disrupts the order of society and punishes those who do well for themselves.

Race:
Humans are the most adaptable of the common races. Short generations and a penchant for migration and conquest have made them physically diverse as well. Humans are often unorthodox in their dress, sporting unusual hairstyles, fanciful clothes, tattoos, and the like.

Class:
Bards often serve as negotiators, messengers, scouts, and spies. They love to accompany heroes (and villains) to witness heroic (or villainous) deeds firsthand, since a bard who can tell a story from personal experience earns renown among his fellows. A bard casts arcane spells without any advance preparation, much like a sorcerer. Bards also share some specialized skills with rogues, and their knowledge of item lore is nearly unmatched. A high Charisma score allows a bard to cast high-level spells.

Find out What Kind of Dungeons and Dragons Character Would You Be?, courtesy of Easydamus (e-mail)

The first tule of livejournal...

Wed, 30 Jul 2008 04:10:11 GMT

The first rule of Livejournal - Never post when drunk
The second rule of livejournal - never post when drunk and depressed
the third rule of livejournal - never post something you don't want others seeing on some level.

Treasure

Fri, 25 Jul 2008 22:12:31 GMT

Recently I went to the bin goodwill with Inga and Lysander. The first thing I went looking for was books. I just felt inside something calling me saying "there be treasure here". I am glad I looked when I did as not too long after hordes descended upon the books with savage clasping hands. They did not care what they grabbed, their eyes showing no appreciation for the works they gathered in large piles. Theirs was a search for words with no intent of ever knowing them. I went looking for treasure and that is what I found. I found five books that cried out to be taken home, read, and cherished.

One I gave to Chris (Inga's BF) for his daughter. It was a sweet children’s book called The Season Clock. Cassidy sounds like a sweet little girl whose mother is too busy playing World of Warcraft to pay her real attention. I have never met her, and I am just friends with Chris, but I want to do what I can for his daughter. No child should be ignored by her mother, especially not when a year and a half old. Inga, Lysander, and I seem to have all reached agreement to help Chris and his child. I know I went off topic of the books, but it is really hard for me not to rant on this subject. I have a huge maternal side, a mama bear, which is greatly disturbed by the idea of a child having to compete with a video game for her mothers love. *deep breath* Ok, back to the books.

The only book I have read all the way through of the four I kept is Taxi Cab Wisdom. It is based upon conversations had with New York Taxi drivers about everything from the meaning of life to loneliness. It is a short book as ever other page is a picture, and the opposite page is one or two lines taken from a conversation. I would like to quote my favorite passage, on understanding:
"If there is understanding, there is love. If there is no understanding, there is only an endless stream of questions."

The second book I have started to read is poems by Rumi, translated by Coleman Barks. The collection of poems is called The Glance: Songs of Soul-Meeting. It is beautiful work originating in the thirteen hundreds. The first piece nearly brought tears to my eyes. I have not finished reading all of it, but I would like to share my favorite poem so far, "The Day's Great Wooden Bowl."

Still dizzy from last night's
wine? Wait a while. Don't reach

yet for this we serve. You can't
really be on the ocean with scenes

of familiar creeks and your loved
home-river in your eyes. Wait,

if you're caught in memory. As
those with business ideas were

driven from the temple courtyard,
so bitter, self-important people

need to be excluded from the mix
being stirred in this day's great

wooden bowel. In the room with
the Chinese princess, popular

songs fade. Don't boil the hard
unripened grapes, and don't sell

vinegar! This moment is the perfect
grape you crush to make your life-

wine interesting. You might, in
such a moment, meet someone as

I met Shams. God knows what
orchard you'll be walking then!

The two books I have yet to start reading are Recipes for Reading: Community Cookbooks, Stories, Histories and Romantic Massage: Ten Unforgettable Massages for Special Occasions. The first book, Recipes for Reading, is not a cook book, but a book about cook books and their histories. It seems like it will be an interesting read. The Romantic Massage book is a cute volume covered in hand drawn pictures by the author. It is a book about love. It has a lot of information about basic message techniques, methods to help relaxation, and even a chapter on meditation. I'm looking forward to reading it.

Fun times

Tue, 22 Jul 2008 23:46:07 GMT

Last Saturday onyxrising took me out to see the new Batman Movie. It was amazing. The Joker was the best rendition I have seen. Very true to the original Joker from the early comics. The following day we played V:tM and fun was had by all.
Yesterday I managed to be productive when lupabitch posted on her journal that her down stairs neighbors needed help moving. They have so much nifty stuff. I also met the fantastic amberite who hopefully I will get to hang out with soon. I hurting my arm at some point, as today I can barely move my left arm without a great deal of pain. I am pretty certain I ripped something, but oh well. It was fun helping out.
[Bad username: ]

Breaking point

Thu, 17 Jul 2008 00:40:26 GMT

Yesterday was a traumatic day for me, to say the least. It is the longest I think I have cried in my entire life. I did not even have a good reason for how much I cried. I had a tiff with my roomie and a friend earlier in the day while going shopping at the Goodwill Bins (on the plus side I have a torso to decorate my living room). After that I headed into Beaverton for a Laser session. The girl there was a bit bitchy in body language. Once I got home, as soon as I laid on my bed I started crying, uncontrolably. For me this is strange as I usually can make myself stop, but yesterday I couldn't. I ended up being very meloncholy, to the point my roomie called me "Emo Broccolli". I ended up crying again later in the day, which for me is weird. I've had breakups, violent situations, and my grandmothers death make me cry less then yesturday. I feel better today, but I am in a really weird emotionally disconnected head space. My roomie gave me a book of Buddhist influenced material to read while I deal with whatever I am dealing with right now. Hopefully it is spiffy keen.

Urrrgh

Sun, 13 Jul 2008 00:00:56 GMT

For the third day in a row I have made myself sun sick >.< I feel like death cooked till a low simmer.

Seven Dirty Things you can't say in a next life.

Mon, 23 Jun 2008 06:58:15 GMT

Comedian George Carlin dies at 71.

Big Brother is reading your spam

Wed, 18 Jun 2008 23:51:48 GMT

Swedish Government passes new Surveillance Law.

This was brought to my attention by my beloved Drik. There is nothing like knowing come January 1st 2009 nearly every single communication we will have together most likely will be monitored and reviewed by a non-governmental organization that has been granted power by the government.

another day

Wed, 18 Jun 2008 07:07:23 GMT

Lately I have been feeling like I am slowly losing my mind. I need someone to talk to, I can't afford therapy and my friends are all busy. Sometimes I struggle with being able to ask for help, and when I am at a place I am ready to ask for it there isn't anyone to turn to.

Weee >.<

Yes its a quiz :O

Sat, 07 Jun 2008 19:08:18 GMT

<center><p align="center"><a href="http://www.visi.com/~phantos/wodtest.html"><img src='http://www.visi.com/~phantos/images/wodtest/changeling.jpg' height='170' width='300' alt='You Are A Changeling' border='0'></a><br /><a href="http://www.visi.com/~phantos/wodtest.html">Take the World of Darkness Quiz</a><br />by <a href="mailto:phantos@visi.com">David J Rust</a></p></center>

Two Choices:

Thu, 22 May 2008 07:31:34 GMT

I found this from a friend and wanted to share this with people. its called Two Choices:

What would you do?....you make the choice. Don't look for a punch line, there isn't one. Read it anyway. My question is: Would you have made the same choice?

At a fundraising dinner for a school that serves learning-disabled children, the father of one of the students delivered a speech that would never be forgotten by all who attended. After extolling the school and its dedicated staff, he offered a question: "When not interfered with by outside influences, everything nature does is done with perfection. Yet my son, Shay, cannot learn things as other children do. He cannot understand things as other children do. Where is the natural order of things in my son?"

The audience was stilled by the query.

The father continued. "I believe that when a chi ld like Shay, physically and mentally handicapped comes into the world, an opportunity to realize true human nature presents itself, and it comes in the way other people treat that child."

Then he told the following story:

Shay and his father had walked past a park where some boys Shay knew were playing baseball. Shay asked, "Do you think they'll let me play?" Shay's father knew that most of the boys would not want someone like Shay on their team, but the father also understood that if his son were allowed to play, it would give him a much-needed sense of belonging and some confidence to be accepted by others in spite of his handicaps.

Shay's father approached one of the boys on the field and asked (not expecting much) if Shay could play. The boy looked around for guidance and said, "We're losing by six runs and the game is in the eighth inning. I guess he can be on our team and we'll try to put him in to bat in the ninth inning."

Shay struggled over to the team's bench and, with a broad smile, put on a team shirt. His Father watched with a small tear in his eye and warmth in his heart. The boys saw the father's joy at his son being accepted. In the bottom of the eighth inning, Shay's team scored a few runs but was still behind by three. In the top of the ninth inning, Shay put on a glove and played in the right field. Even though no hits came his way, he was obviously ecstatic just to be in the game and on the field, grinning from ear to ear as his father waved to him from the stands. In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shay's team scored again. Now, with two outs and the bases loaded, the potential winning run was on base and Shay was scheduled to be next at bat.

At this junctur e , do they let Shay bat and give away their chance to win the game? Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat. Everyone knew that a hit was all but impossible because Shay didn't even know how to hold the bat properly, much less connect with the ball.

However, as Shay stepped up to the plate, the pitcher, recognizing that the other team was putting winning aside for this moment in Shay's life, moved in a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shay could at least make contact. The first pitch came and Shay swung clumsily and missed. The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly towards Shay. As the pitch came in, Shay swung at the ball and hit a slow ground ball right back to the pitcher.

The game would now be over. The pitcher picked up the soft grounder and could have easily thrown the ball to the first baseman. Shay would have been out and that would have been the end of the game.

Instead, the pitcher threw the ball right over the first base ma n's head, out of reach of all team mates. Everyone from the stands and both teams started yelling, "Shay , run to first! Run to first!" Never in his life had Shay ever run that far, but he made it to first base. He scampered down the baseline, wide-eyed and startled.

Everyone yelled, "Run to second, run to second!" Catching his breath, Shay awkwardly ran towards second, gleaming and struggling to make it to the base. By the time Shay rounded towards second base, the right fielder had the ball ... the smallest guy on their team who now had his first chance to be the hero for his team. He could have thrown the ball to the second-baseman for the tag, but he understood the pitchers intentions so he, too, intentionally threw the ball high and far over the third-base man's head. Shay ran toward third base deliriously as the runners ahead of him circled the bases toward home.

All were screaming, "Shay, Shay, Shay, all the Way Shay"

Shay reached third base because t he opposing shortstop ran to help him by turning him in the direction of third base, and shouted, "Run to third! Shay, run to third!"

As Shay rounded third, the boys from both teams, and the spectators, were on their feet screaming, "Shay, run home! Run home!" Shay ran to home, stepped on the plate, and was cheered as the hero who hit the grand slam and won the game for his team.

"That day", said the father softly with tears now rolling down his face, "the boys from both teams helped bring a piece of true love and humanity into this world".

Shay didn't make it to another summer. He died that winter, having never forgotten being the hero and making his father so happy, and coming home and seeing his Mother tearfully embrace her little hero of the day!

AND NOW A LITTLE FOOTNOTE TO THIS STORY: We all send thousands of jokes through the e-mail without a second thought, but when it comes to sending messages about life choices, people hesitate. The crude, vulg ar, and often obscene pass freely through cyber space, but public discussion about decency is too often suppressed in our schools and workplaces.

If you're thinking about forwarding this message, chances are that you're probably sorting out the people in your address book who aren't the "appropriate" ones to receive this type of message. Well, the person who sent you this believes that we all can make a difference. We all have thousands of opportunities every single day to help realize the "natural order of things." So many seemingly trivial interactions between two people present us with a choice: Do we pass along a little spark of love and humanity or do we pass up those opportunities and leave the world a little bit colder in the process?

A wise man once said every society is judged by how it treats it's least fortunate amongst them.

You now have two choices:
1. Delete
2. Forward

May your day, be a Shay Day.

The Gathering 2008

Thu, 22 May 2008 07:05:33 GMT

So one week ago I had pretty much given up on going to this event, yet today I tried on my day one/maybe two outfit going through my stuff to make sure I have everything I need. It is amazing how quickly things turn around in life. I had to last minute changes plans, but the plans that changed are with people who will be around next week. I haven't been to this event in two years and I had soo much fun the first event. I am looking forward to meeting old friends and making old ones. I am really pleased with myself as I have finally chosen an SCA name of Nerissa Black. I am working on a bit of backstory for the persona, and expect to have a fantastic time at the event :)

I wish everyone a lovely weekend like I am hoping to :)

I am Amber's inner child...

Wed, 14 May 2008 20:01:24 GMT

...let me show you on the doll where they touched me.

In case the beginning of this post did not clue you in this post is about sexual abuse of children, specifically me being sexually abused as a child. If this is not something you want to hear about then don't read what is in the cut. This is about me finding an outlet for these feelings I have been repressing for the past almost 2 decades as my financial situation is unsure and I cannot afford therapy. To quote my lovely Swede "FUCKING AMERICAN HEALTH CARE FUCKING INSURANCE SYSTEM DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE!!!".

Intellectual background info - When I was 3-4 I was molested by my babysitter, who also happened to be my cousin. She did things to both my older brother and I. In my now violated innocence, went to my mother and let her know that I was being touched in places. My family swept things under the rug, no charges were ever made, and both my older brother and I got to live the rest of our lives with this trauma. (I’ll spare anyone reading this the exact details of what happened).

Zoom ahead in life, these events have left my older brother emotionally damaged to the point he can barely make emotional connections with people. He recalls often the events of the trauma and cannot move past them. Growing up I knew the events happened but I did not consciously see how the events affected my life until very recently. The first breakage in my mental blockage happened about 8 months ago. I was sitting at work when it clicked in my brain that some issues I had with sexual things, specifically using my birth genitalia with a partner and anal sex, were issues I had because of being molested. When these situations came up, I would have a severe anxiety response that made things difficult to do even when I very much wanted them to happen.

Zoom ahead once again we come to last night. I bring up a bad topic with a friend, and things are awkward and tense as the friend heads home. I retreat into my room trying to deal with feelings brought up by this conversation. To try to distract myself I decide to find my tail...

I am going to break that train of thought to explain what I mean by finding my tail. I want to say I am a furry to explain it, but that isn’t quite it. I have experienced sensations of having body parts that humans do not have. This includes large ears on the top of my head, and claws. It is a strange sensation to reach to grab something, feel your body come in contact it when there are still inches of space between your hand and the object, and then feel your body move inside the object when you close your physical hand around the object. Now the one thing I haven’t felt regularly is a tail. I can feel something if someone who is "sensitive" touches the area around my tail bone, but nothing flowing behind me like one would expect with an animal tail. Anyway back to the story.

I do not remember what train of thought sent me in this direction, but I was going to try to find my tail using both mental and "spiritual" techniques. I succeeded after a little work and was shocked to find my tail having wrapped around my left thigh with a death grip. I was exploring internally why this would be when I unlocked memories. Growing up I always figured I just did not remember being molested. It was just something that happened and it’s something you survive. Last night I was shown I do remember, as I relived the events.

That in itself requires some explaining so people reading can properly understand what I mean. I re-experienced all of the emotions I felt while this was being done to me, but at the same time I re-experienced all of the physical sensations involved. I felt like I was once again the size of a 3-4 year old, and someone over a decade older was touching me in ways I did not enjoy or consent to. I spent a fair part of last night curled up in a fetal position sobbing. Apparently my roomy came into my room to turn of the light to find me hyperventilating. I don’t remember my room mate coming in last night. All I remember is the feelings and sensations. It is making today hard, harder then I am used to. I want to say something about how others experienced worse, but horrible trauma is still horrible trauma.

I guess it s a good thing to get these issues in the open where I can work on them. It doesn’t make things any easier.

Farewell shindig at Embers - Friday the 2nd

Thu, 24 Apr 2008 06:18:09 GMT

Forgot to mention in the last post. I plan to have a farewell get together at Ember's on Friday the 2nd at around 7-8ish. I will have a fresh paycheck to spend on drinks and all around fun times. Anyone reading this feel free to come down and have some fun with us! It is just a group of friends getting together to have drinks, watch drag performers, and possibly dance. It will be much yay.